remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
