I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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