new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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