I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
