There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
