my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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