FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
