I'm so fucking centered right now
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I pour the whiskey from now on
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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