I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
