Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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