Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
