My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize