I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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