I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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