first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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