That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
