Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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