yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
FUCK WHALES
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
