I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
