In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
