I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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