apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You have to summon your inner elephant
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
