oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
And then he peed in my hair
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