period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
