He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
