She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
