Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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