I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
