Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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