I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
