I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
