you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
