so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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