I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
