Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
