I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
