Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
