I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
PANTIES FOUND
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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