He uses pillows to masturbate.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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