do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
