he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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