Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
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I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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