Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
