On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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