I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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