i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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