well he's currently spooning the coffee table
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
