I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
