I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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