Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
