I'm really into asian looking animals
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
